All The Hits: 1964 - 1969 - Dean Martin

Can you remember those duff 'Love Is.....' cartoons from the 70s? Saccharine, banal and naive statements on what constitutes bring in love, accompanied by an equally awful cartoon of two 'lovers'. I can feel the bile rising at the mere thought of them. 'Love Is....sharing', 'Love Is....Your secret weapon'....blluuurrrggghhhh!

One that was never printed, however, was 'Love Is.....dragging your mates around the Eldon Centre in Newcadtle while you try and find the perfect CD to take home as a gift'. Now that would've been a top tip. Why? Well during the early part of my relationship with Sarah me and some mates had gone shopping in Newcastle. A top day out was guaranteed...except I wanted to find a particular CD with a particular track on it. And so for most of the day we went in and out of record shops to hunt for this elusive CD. I was sure that it existed. At least I think I was sure. I'd not actually seen it but I had done a bit of research. As the day wore on I could tell that my mates were getting a little fed up. Nothing obvious mind you, but I knew them well enough to pick up on little tell tale signs. Reading between the lines of statements such as "For God's sake not another bloody record shop!" and "I hope she's worth it!". Yup they were getting fed up.

But through dogged perseverance and a fair thickness of skin on my part I/we found it. The search could end - well it had to really as the shops were closing anyway.

So upon my return to Yorkshire I presented 'Dean Martin - All The Hits 1964 - 1969'. Sarah was over the moon and the disc was immediately stuck in the hi-fi and "Little 'Ol Wine Drinker Me" started playing. That was the elusive song. And I must confess it is a great track. 'Traditionally' sung at Scouser weddings and family gatherings. Allegedly - although I've been to a few and have yet to hear it. Maybe I'm always passed out in a corner by that stage of the night?

So if they were ever to re-launch the 'Love Is....' series I'd happily act as a consultant. It'd be worth it to avoid the previous crimes against decency. By bringing them up to date, and adding a dose of realism, maybe they'd be more tolerable. So here are my first few ideas;

'Love Is.....remembering to put the toilet seat lid down'
'Love Is.....not scratching yourself at a table in a restaurant in plain sight of other diners'
'Love Is.....taking the blame for, well almost everything'
'Love Is.....not being crap at remembering dates particularly birthdays and anniversaries'

Mmmm not a bad start but I'm sure there are better ones.......